How Clean is My Energy?

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I was thinking about what happened and feeling so much turmoil when the words: clean energy captured my attention.  I even said it out loud to myself, “Clean Energy”.  It was in that very moment that I wondered, “How clean is my energy?”  There was this publication, North American CleanEnergy setting on the coffee table and it had nothing to do with how I was feeling, but the words on the publication diverted my focus to the thought, that somehow, I have disturbed someone and toxic energy could be the culprit.

I wrestled with my soul in trying to identify where I must have gone wrong in this encounter. I went over in my mind what was said and how it was said.  “What did I want to know and how did I ask that set this person off – again!?  When I realized how I asked the question, I figured the way I asked could be what struck a chord with the other person and perhaps sent them to a toxic place. With clean energy in the headlines before our eyes every day as it applies to our environments, it occurred to me today; what about personal energy environments?

With the notion that I strive to come from a place of love, I thought, “I wonder how many people don’t perceive me that way?  Do they think I am challenging them personally when I try to understand something for myself? Do my actions offend them?” Perhaps my energy is toxic! I set out to explore that for myself.  With the understanding that not everyone is going to like me.

With the notion that my energy is toxic, I would conclude that my impact on others would be pretty messy. Emotions tell all. Figuring out what to do in a situation is not always easy if you are not trained to know what to do.

On the contrary, “What is clean energy?” To me, clean energy is when someone is authentic and genuine. Their energy comes from love. They strive to experience life the way they are wired and be true to who they are.  They try to live their lives out on Earth as if they are in Heaven.

What happens when clean energy is misconstrued? I believe that when we are not received in the way that we intend to be received, discord prevails. What do you do when you feel discord? How do you overcome?

In the renewable energy space, clean energy is revealed as: sunlight, rain, tides, wind, waves, and heat. Using these words as examples, here are my antonyms:

Sunlight – Dark
Rain – Dry
Tides – Stagnate
Wind – Still
Waves – No wind
Heat – Cold

The opposite of clean energy (my definition) is a place that still has energy but if you stay there long enough, you may crave clean energy.

I like to think that I am clean energy in the way that I have defined it.  Ontologically speaking, it is the way in which I hope to conduct myself wherever I go.  I ask myself, “How is my being?” I ask that often to check in with myself so that I can get clear on where I may be off.  When I am feeling toxic, I like to get understanding around why I am feeling that way.  The results are satisfying in that I usually find out that I have not dealt with something in my heart.

When you are faced with a situation that feels uneasy. Consider what may be going on for the other person. Do they have something going on that they need help with? Do you perhaps need to consider how you may be coming across? Examine your heart.  Are you truly engaging in conversation to create conflict for the sake of it or are you being you and offending someone?  If you are coming from toxic energy then recognize that and go talk to that person.  Apologize! But if you are not coming from toxic energy then perhaps that person needs to come to you.  My tendency in these situations is to ask the person I feel conflict with what is bothering them.  In this case, with the history I have with them and the witnessing I’ve seen with many others, I don’t feel like I would be well-received.  I believe it is best to remain true to who I am and allow them to discover what it is that ails them.  It is also best for me to acknowledge that I need to remove myself from the situation.

Feeling that your energy may not be clean and is affecting others can drive someone like me absolutely nuts.  I’ve moved with caution for years always putting my best foot forward to be me.  I like to think of myself as someone always intrigued with anyone I see.  A seed that started that was from observing my dad as a young girl.  I always noticed how he greeted people in our community. He always had a smile and energy that engaged people and in hopes of brightening their day.  I can honestly say, that is my image that I go forth with.  I was also inspired by a woman at a retreat I was at just after my parent’s divorce when I was in the 6th grade.  She asked me where my smile was as she smiled at me.  I noticed I smiled back to her.  She then said with such a delightful smile at me, “Smiling is contagious, do you see how that works?”  (makes my heart sing still to this day!) She inspired me to try it with the next person I saw.  So I did.  I smiled at the next person and they smiled back.  From then on, I always tried to do that and now it is just a part of who I am.

When I moved to Seattle as a young lady I learned with “street smarts” you should walk purposefully and not engage in people’s eyes.  Then later in life I decided that I could catch people’s eyes with love in my heart to simply greet them with a smile as I am walking down the street and moving along.

So I say, go about your business and continue to be clean energy that moves through time.  Pray for peace in circumstances.  Pray for the person you witness is having a hard time.  Pray that they will overcome.  Pray that your soul reveals any sort of truth that you may be trying to harm them.  And if you are, be very clear about why.  Then schedule a meeting and apologize for the discord you found in your heart that has shook them up so much.  And if you are overwhelmed with the feeling like I have experienced over and over throughout the years, move on.  It’s time.  No sense in feeling like you have done wrong to someone when you never, ever, had a toxic motive in your heart.

Have a wonderful day and as I always tell my kids, “Share your smile!”

Have you ever encountered this yourself?  How did you overcome?

Acknowledging Fear

Bungee jump

Bungee jump

My heart fell a fraction of the distance his did when his body plunged off the platform of the bridge.  All I could hear was his voice calling out the further he fell, while the white snow covering the deep narrow valley enhanced my focus on him above the wide shallow riverbed below. I could hardly stand to watch as I clutched tightly to my prayer. Earlier that week when he told us he wanted to bungee jump, I felt sick from fear.  I wished in that moment, that my son didn’t want to do these crazy things.

This event was a defining moment for me; to give my fear, of my son’s desire, over to God.  In these times of fear I start praying, giving my concerns to God knowing that He will oversee everything according to His plan.  I remind myself that just because I have fear around bungee jumping doesn’t mean I need to shield my son from it.

In an earlier time of raising my children, my daughter and son were playing with toys until my son slapped a stuffed toy over his sister’s head.  I immediately took the toy and slapped it over his head telling him we don’t hit.  Fear struck me as my thoughts raced around about how hitting back doesn’t teach no hitting.  And when I heard the “thunk” on his head I was petrified and terrified that one of the hard plastic eyes had struck his head leaving a small bump.  The fear I felt overwhelmed me for what I had done.

I immediately called my dad at work and with tears flowing and hardly a breath to speak, I shared with him what I had done.  I was scared thinking the worst: “People that do these kinds of things go to jail.”  Devastated!  I couldn’t hardly breath I was so distraught by my actions.  I couldn’t even think clearly about what I should do.  He was only about two and a half.  My dad assured me that as parents, we all make mistakes we regret.  The pain I felt was overwhelming and I felt so ashamed.

Fear is overwhelming when we don’t know what to do with it.  In this case, I felt the need to tell someone what I had done wrong.  Confessing to my dad helped me get grounding.  Not only did my kids need consoling but I needed to get myself collected to continue my responsibility as a parent.  It was a teaching moment for all.  I needed to give grace to my son and myself saying mommy was wrong too. He needed to learn how to apologize by my actions of telling him I was sorry and that I love him.  I needed to have him understand truth that we treat each other nicely. He told his sister he was sorry and we all gave each other hugs.  In this moment I prayed to God for forgiveness and to help me control my actions.

Roche Harbor Restaurant

Roche Harbor Restaurant

Another time in my life my boss asked me what my worst fear was and I said, “Flying with you.”  He immediately responded and said, “What days do you have open on your calendar next week?” I knew where this was going.  That next week I was flying in a Cessna 150.  I definitely was afraid of this small plane and his piloting!  We flew up to the San Juan Islands and I wasn’t quite sure where we were going nor did I talk much.  I was scared and it seemed like he was too since he had just accomplished enough solo hours to fly having a passenger.

When I spotted the landing strip at the Roche Harbor Resort airport a sense of calm came over me.  I loved that place and I thought, “Oh good, I can get out of this plane.”  No sooner than I thought we were landing, we were taking off again.  Talk about a rush of fear!  I asked him with a bit of stress under my breath why he did that.  He told me it was a “touch and go.”  So what that means is a plane touches down on the landing strip and immediately takes flight again. Feeling extremely anxious by now, I wished he would have explained what he was doing.

We can’t say no to what we fear when we don’t have the right tools.  Whether you face this with children or not, if you don’t want to do something you have no interest in, then say no, even if it is your boss.  Take a leap of faith.  If your boss intimidates you, speak out your concerns.  Relying on God’s Word for guidance is a great way to learn about overcoming fear.

However fear strikes us, knowing what to do with the emotion attached to it, is what keeps us at peace.  ~ Susan Husa

Found you in my heart

Found you in my heart

Fearing God with reverence and trust in all that we do should lead our actions. Anytime we are outside of doing what God truly would guide us to do is sinful.  As sinners we can be thankful for the fear we have in disobedience as a follower of Christ.  This fear is like a compass which steers us in the right direction.  If we fear God, we acknowledge His commands to Love.  We accept his son Jesus and His sacrifice. We bow our heads and remember that this act of love is what has set us free from condemnation.  Christ in us enables us to transform as we practice what we learn, one step at a time.

We can’t control what other people want to do. We can’t control what other people do to others.  We can control what we do.  In all of these scenarios, if we acknowledge fear with reverence to God, it is He that will lead us by His Word to that place of peace as we bask in His Truths.  A great time to acknowledge The Lord’s Prayer.

Why I Named My Blog fiveof9

Thoughts transformed

With love in her heart, a mother tells her story.

Contemplating blogging was challenging enough.  “What is blogging,” I wondered, and “How do I do it?” After reading several blogs I realized that blogging is simply someone typing out their thoughts as they ponder them. So what can be so hard about blogging once a week or daily? Time, passion, values, commitment, choice…those are a few of the reasons one would consider, prior to answering the question, “Why I named my Blog fiveof9.” The reason I named my blog fiveof9 is because I am the fifth child of nine my mother gave birth to. I liked spelling out five and using a numeral for nine.

Using this name gave me an “identity” as a blogger.  Something fun and intriguing I figured. My true identity is simply that I am a child of God. That is my identity that grounds me in all of my decisions, actions and relationships.

The fact that I was the fifth child born gives me a “rank” that many in our culture will give much attention to. The belief that children born in between siblings tend to have certain behavioral traits that first or last child don’t. Rather than identifying myself with such mayhem, my identity in Christ is much simpler in that it encompasses one word and that word is, Love.

Love is what I move forward with and in. This side of Heaven (here on earth) I reside in my flesh and strive to be of love in all my encounters. I don’t always live up to that but it is always my goal. I allow myself the pleasure of grace as Christ has done for me.

To those of you that actually take the time to read this: May the love of Christ, by your choice of accepting Him in your heart, be the everlasting state of your heart and soul to share with others.